I'm Fine, But They Need Help!
Every week we receive at least one call from someone who wants me
to help their friend, partner or relative. They are surprised when we
explain that there are certain things that are important:
1. The
other person has to be willing. Unfortunately, no matter how
dysfunctional we think that a person or situation is, people never
change until life doesn't work for them anymore. You can have the best
of intentions and think that things would be better if the other person
just did this or that or the other thing. It has to be their idea - not
yours - or they will never totally buy into the plan.
2. They need
to set their own appointment. When you schedule an appointment for
another person then you can be setting yourself up for trouble. The
other person might be angry with you and embarrassed that you have
shared information about their situation with someone else. Better to
let them book their own appointment and then they will likely be more
committed to attend and participate.
3. Therapy is not magic. Just
because someone goes to see a psychologist of psychiatrist does not
mean that they will change. They might not participate in the process!
If it took years to get into trouble, one or two appointments won't
resolve everything. Some people claim that they tried therapy and it
didn't work but they either didn't engage, quit right after they started
or really didn't want to change in the first place.
4. No one can
force another person to get treatment unless high risk is assessed by
professionals (not you). Do not be frustrated when a health professional
will not talk with you about another adult's progress or think that the
person who you care about will be locked up until they improve. As
professionals we need to respect confidentiality and free will when it
comes to treating individuals. And even adolescents let their feet do
the talking for them sometimes. Each of us has the right to consent and
the ability to participate or reject services no matter what another
person thinks is in their best interest.
5. The person who called
may benefit most from getting help. Maybe you need help in dealing with
your anxiety or need to learn to let go of things that you cannot
change. Over the years, for example, I have met many people who live
with someone who has an active addiction. They think that if the other
person just quits using substances than life would be good. Well, first
of all, you can't make someone else do what you want. If they do quit
using, things will change a lot and perhaps you wouldn't adapt well.
Better to focus on what you need than on wishful thinking!
It is
all about focus. Invest your time, energy and money on ensuring that you
are healthy and happy. I am not saying that you shouldn't care about
others or try to help but like Kenny Rogers once sang:
"You gotta know when to hold 'em; know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run!"
And now I would like to invite you to claim your Free Instant
Access to a complimentary list of 10 Steps to Making Your Life an
Adventure when you visit http://lindahancock.com
From Dr. Linda Hancock, Registered Psychologist and Registered Social Worker
From Dr. Linda Hancock, Registered Psychologist and Registered Social Worker
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